‘Connection before correction’: The transformative training changing families’ lives

Kim Ayling, chair of SO18 Big Local, speaks to us about the transformative experience she had with Non-Violent Resistance training, which helped her repair her relationship with her daughter and is now part of what SO18 is offering to the community.

Back in 2015/2016 I was going through some really tough times with my daughter. She was 15 years old and, like many teenagers that age, was going through a difficult time. Her mental health was not good and her school was poor in dealing with that, but she was receiving some help from NHS Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS).

She was skipping school and also staying away from home, so was in a very vulnerable place in her life. Of course, this all put a great strain on our relationship. We would argue a lot and sometimes this would escalate to confrontations just short of violence.

Healing a fragile relationship

Through our involvement with CAMHS and Social Services, it was suggested I participate in a course on Non-Violent Resistance (NVR), something I had never heard of but was an opportunity to help heal our fragile relationship.

NVR is inspired by the likes of Mahatma Gandhi and Rosa Parks and as such, it was difficult to see how the approach could play a role in addressing the difficulties I was facing with my daughter. But in fact. the ten-week course provided me with truly life changing tools and the confidence to begin to re-establish, repair and replenish the relationship I had with my daughter.

The process was a real eye opener for me and I knew it could be beneficial to many families who may not have regarded it as an option.

The process was a real eye opener for me and I knew it could be beneficial to many families who may not have regarded it as an option. So at SO18 Big Local, we decided to offer NVR courses for the community. We approached a local organisation and contracted them to come into the community centre on Wednesday evenings to run the course for local parents.

‘Connection before correction’

The course runs for ten weeks and we’ve held about six or seven so far. They have proved incredibly popular and are consistently fully booked, with 12 parents on each course.

The local school got on board and they can refer parents to SO18 Big Local specifically for the course, if they think it would be of use or if they see a student having problems in school.

The benefits have been incredible and the principle of ‘connection before correction’, which NVR instils, has had very noticeable effects, improving the behaviour of young people and reducing the feelings of helplessness in parents who find themselves in situations of conflict with their children.

Given the positive impact this whole process has had on myself and the relationship I have with my daughter, I would be the first to encourage any parent who is having a difficult time with their child to reach out and look into NVR as an option to help. I know many parents in our local area who would echo this sentiment.

Find out more at Connects 2022

If you’re part of the Big Local programme and are coming to Connects 2022, you’ll find SO18 Big Local in the Find Your Voice zone at the event.

We’d be really happy to discuss our experiences with NVR and to talk about how other communities can set up similar initiatives in their areas. We look forward to seeing you there!

Registration for Big Local Connects 2022 is open, and each Big Local area can have up to three places. Find out more about the event and sign up here.